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Notes Jokes & Quotes

Notes Jokes & Quotes

 

News Now Dubois County: With all the depressing things going on, News Now offers a little comic relief, interesting facts and inspirational quotes. Enjoy from News Now.

Please comment if you like this periodic statement.

Notes & Facts:

  •  North Koreans never released 900 American troops who were alive at the end of the Korean War. In 1996, as many as 15 of them might have still been alive.
  •  In 1976, Teofilo Stevenson was offered US $ 5 million to turn professional and challenge the world heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali. Stevenson refused the offer, saying “What is one million dollars compared to the love of eight million Cubans?” He won three Olympic medals for Cuba.
  •  President Andrew Jackson was involved in as many as 100 duels. He was shot in the chest in 1806 and took a bullet in the arm in a bar fight with a Missouri senator Thomas Hart Benton in 1813. Most of the duels were to defend his wife’s honor.
  •  A boy named Hadara was lost by his parents in the Sahara desert at the age of two, and was apprehended, and raised by ostriches for a period of ten years.
  •  Mexican shamans began to use Coca-Cola in their religious rituals to heal worshippers. When PepsiCo. discovered this, they offered commissions to shamans for using Pepsi instead. When Coca-Cola began paying too, rival religious groups were formed based on which soft drink they use.
  • Scorpion venom costs around $38.8 million per gallon, that’s $10K+ per mL.
  •  US companies lose approximately $148 billion annually due to hangovers.
  •  A substitute teacher was fired after she asked her 4th-grade students for dating advice. She had her class to help her decide between two men she was seeing.
  •  While not included in any dialogue, Joss Whedon’s script for The Avengers has 11 instance of the word “sh*t” and 19 uses of “fu*k,” including lines like, “IRON MAN stands up, looking around like `holy sh*t,‘” and “THOR LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR, RAISING THAT FU*KING HAMMER.”
  •  In the United States, a 2007–2008 survey showed that dog-owning households outnumbered those owning cats, but that the total number of pet cats was higher than that of dogs.
  •  Carl Sagan (Astronomer) insisted that it was a common practice for NASA astronauts to be given cyanide pills in-case they could not return back to Earth.
  •  A study titled “Where Are They Now?” in 1978 followed up on 515 people who were prevented from attempting suicide using the Golden Gate Bridge from 1937 to 1971. About 90% were either alive or had died of natural causes, concluding “suicidal behavior is crisis-oriented” rather than inexorable.
  •  The oldest living thing on Earth is 6,000 tons of grass in Australia, which is thought to be most likely 100,000 years old.
  •  Thomas Jefferson argued that because no generation has a right to bind subsequent generations, the Constitution should expire every 19 years.
  •  The oldest known cheese was from 1615 BC in China and resembles cottage cheese.

Jokes:

  • I was so bored the other day that I just started memorizing pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing.
  • A woman in Georgia bought a magnolia tree from a local nursery but, after only a few months, its leaves shriveled and it appeared to be on its last legs. She took some leaf samples back to the nursery and demanded an explanation.
    “Oh, I know exactly what’s wrong with your magnolia tree, ma’am,” said the manager.
    “Good,” she replied. “What is it?”
    “Autumn!” he said.
  • A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims,
    “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”
    A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,
    “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”
    He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
    The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
    The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?” The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”
  • A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
    She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I cant wear your trousers,” she said. “That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
    With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
    He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. I cant get into your panties!”
    She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.”
  • Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed.
    “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out. “Matt’s riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex.” Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked. “Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
  • The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.
    When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, ‘You’re terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.’ ‘Forget the bonus,’ the turkey said, ‘All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?’
  • The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

 

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