Notes, Jokes & Quotes for the Weekend

Notes of the Day:

  •  On October 18th, 1867, the U.S. formally took possession of Alaska after purchasing the territory from Russia for $7.2 million, or less than two cents an acre. The Alaska purchase comprised 586,412 square miles, about twice the size of Texas, and was championed by William Henry Seward, the enthusiasticly expansionist secretary of state under President Andrew Johnson.
  • William Shakespeare’s signature is worth an estimated $5 million.
  • In an average lifetime human skin completely replaces itself 900 times.
  • Bannanas are slightly radioactive.
  • Humans share 50% of their DNA with bannanas.
  • When awake, the human brain produces enough electricity to power a small light bulb.
  • If the human eye was a digital camera it would have 576 megapixels.
  • Pandas eat mambo largely because they have no umami taste receptors.  Meat tastes bland to them
  • The U.S. dropped more than 2 million tons of bombs on Laos from 1964 to 1973 during the Vietnam War.  That’s equal to a plane load every 8 minutes for 9 years.
  • Romantic love is biochemically indistinguishable from having a severe obsessive-compulsive disorder.

 

Jokes of the Day:

  •  Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.One 75-year-old man says: “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.”An 80-year-old man says: “My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”The 90-year-old man says: “Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow.””So what’s your problem?” asked the others.”I don’t wake up until 9:00.”
  • On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, “What are your parents’ names?” The student replied, “My father’s name is Laughing and my mother’s name is Smiling.” The teacher said, “Are you kidding?” The student said, “No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.”
  • A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there.
    The man complains, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
    The receptionist asks, “Have you ever seen a doctor?”
    The man replies, “No, just spots.”
  • A girl was visiting her friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
    The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
    The others friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’
    ‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’ she answered. ‘They’re watch dogs’!
  • What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?  A bad golfer goes whack “darn”, While a bed skydiver goes “darn”, wack.
  • How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?  “Why don’t you just let us remove the entire socket.  You don’t need it, and it’ll just give you trouble later.”
  • Three engineers are on a road trip, a mechanical engineer, and electrical engineer, and a software engineer. They pull over at a restaurant to eat and when they try to leave, the car won’t start.The mechanical engineer says “Let me check the starter.”The electrical engineer says “Let me make sure the battery is connected. Always try the easiest solutions first.”The software engineer rolls his eyes and says “Before we do anything else, let’s all just get out of the car and then get back in.”

Quotes of the Day:

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